THE JUICER IS LOADED, PUMPED, AND READY TO GO FULL BLAST!
To celebrate the launch of the WWE Network, which is supposedly slated to offer Capital Combat ’90 as one of the many WCW PPVs available to stream.
Color attempt on the Capital Combat piece from last year. Updated the Stinger’s face paint after finding clearer reference. Font from Blambot.
I’ll be catching up on Space Wrestlers while the Elimination Chamber is going. Only have 3 to get through tonight, so here’s hoping I get back on track!
It was as I began peeling away the plastic wrapper on the first of today’s packs that something hit me: I can’t take much more of this. I’m feeling my lowest, guys. I had a thought, back when I first came up with this sorta-daily bit, that this might happen. How little I knew, my friends.
I haven’t organized all the cards I’ve gone through just yet, so I don’t know if I have a complete set here, but it’s certainly starting to feel like I’ve seen all there is to see in this series. This is a card set consisting of 162 cards, with only 13 individual wrestlers, 4 tag teams (making that a total of 21 wrestlers represented), and 3 non-wrestling talents (two managers and an announcer). You’d think they would’ve tried to do more than just make 13 individual Sting cards, but alas, here we are with 13 cards devoted to the Stinger.
Now, I did a little research, and using Mike Rotunda (Mr. Wallstreet) as a marker, I was able to figure out that the period of time represented on these cards must be between roughly June 1990 and January 1991. I came to this conclusion upon learning that Rotunda turned heel and became Wallstreet in mid-1990, and then left WCW for the WWF in early 1991. By January 1991, any WCW rosters I can find online do not list Rotunda or Wallstreet.
If we can go off of this, we can determine during the period of time represented in this set, there were between 36 and 44 wrestlers on the WCW roster. Guys like Junkyard Dog, the Iron Sheik, the Nasty Boys, “Mean” Mark Callous (the Undertaker), and Vader. If you have Vader on your roster, why the hell do you not include him in a card set? Were there legal issues involved?
Now here’s what throws my theory about the time period into complete disarray: Dutch Mantell doesn’t show up on a WCW roster until March 1991. Now, if I am to believe the rosters I am finding online (which of course is risky, since it’s, you know, the internet), that means Dirty Dutch and Mr. Wallstreet weren’t even in WCW at the same time! Fuck!
So I don’t know what the hell was going on with these cards, obviously, but for some reason they only had 21 wrestlers they could use. That does not seem like a particularly good thing if you want to put out a set of trading cards.
Impel could’ve done something they had previously worked into the Marvel Universe trading card series by devoting cards to famous matches, or perhaps big feuds or stables or even showcased more of the non-wrestling talent, but instead this is what we got.
So I’m feeling it, friends. I’m feeling my lowest. I’ve seen it all! And if I haven’t, I have yet to encounter a sign that I’m wrong.
I can’t look at another card of Ricky Morton’s sad, disheveled face. I can’t handle another poor attempt to make El Gigante seem like a serious competitor. No more, I say. Please.
But I must finish opening this second pack. I have to.
Folks, while the title of this blog series is a clever joke referring to smoking cigarettes, I have to tell you that I’d rather risk lung cancer than open this pack of WCW cards. But here we go.
First, let me make a sacrifice to the deadly Black Scorpion, so that he may bring me good fortune in this pack…
Okay, pack opened… Nothing, nothing, nothing… wait.
It can’t be! It’s impossible!
Dutch Mantell, you sonufabitch! You magnificent bastard! You dirty scoundrel! You and your glorious poncho have saved me from certain doom, just so you can prolong the torture? To what end? To. What. End???
I will play your game, Dirty Dutch. But to defeat you, I must learn your secrets! I must become you!
TO BE CONTINUED…
Presenting my new daily thing that I will do just for the hell of it, Two Packs a Day! Every weekday, I will open two packs of WCW trading cards from 1991 and share my findings with you. I have nearly a whole box of these that I ordered off of Amazon (I started with a sealed box, but I’ve given away a few packs to friends), so this should be fun. Or it will be a total disaster. We’ll see.
2 packs! 24 cards! What treasures lie within???
Let’s look at today’s Top 5!
1. Best Photo
That’s Lex Luger applying his most famous move, the “Human Torture Rack” (often simply referred to as the Torture Rack), what we are made to believe is a devastating maneuver that puts all opponents in considerable pain. This move, if you were to hear Jim Ross or Tony Schiavone call it, can cripple the victim. And then you get a picture of Arn Anderson just plain maxin’ and relaxin’ while on the receiving end of the same move. Arn looks like he could curl up with a nice book and a cold margarita right about now.
2. Best Outfit
Oh, Ricky Morton. I don’t want to make fun of you, because you really don’t have a lot going for you, what with that haggard, busted face and fried hair. But man, did you dress yourself this morning? I ask because if you did, you need to stop and have somebody do it for you. It looks like you covered your lower half in glue and then rolled around on the floor at a Stryper concert. I bet you drive to each wrestling show in one of them fancy custom vans with eagles and wolves airbrushed on the sides.
See, now I just made myself jealous of you. Don’t you feel better?
3. Best WTF Bio
“If he weren’t a wrestler, it’s scary to think what Sid would be doing.” -Dennis Brent, Editor, “Wrestling Wrap-Up”
Okay, not so much a bio as a quote. If you’re not familiar with Sid Vicious, aka Sid Justice, aka Sycho Sid, aka Sid Eudy, then you might be thinking the same thing.
The answer? Apparently, playing softball.
Terry Taylor! The guy so charismatic, the WWF decided they needed to dress him up like some kind of half-man, half-rooster to get him over with fans, which totally worked!*
Taylor had a long career in wrestling, going back to 1980. He worked for both the WWF and WCW over the course of that career, along with several regional promotions. He never really amounted to much with either the WWF or WCW, and eventually took on a backstage role as trainer, agent, and writer and even did interviews and commentary.
According to this card, Taylor’s motto in regards ot his opponents is, “They enter the ring hopeful, but they leave Taylor-made.” I don’t know what the fuck that’s supposed to mean, honestly.
But hey, at least he was the Texas Heavyweight Champion at one point in his career, which probably means something if you’re one of those people that treats Texas like it’s the center of the universe. I guess it’s better than being the champion of Delaware, at least.
*It didn’t, but I’ll let you be the judge of that—> The Red Rooster cuts a promo
5. Best Use of Metaphors
I have read this thing more times than I can count while prepping for today’s entry, and like all things Scott Steiner, I am left more confused than when I started. So Rick is the bulldozer, and Scott is the demolition expert. Does that mean Scott rides around on Rick’s back, knocking guys over? How does this work? If Scott’s not driving the bulldozer, then who is???
I do really like the mental image of Scott just riding his brother, making machine sounds with his mouth and pulling imaginary levers. It’s quite cute, and makes me less terrified of the man.
And then I remember he only got the World Title in WCW because everybody in the company was genuinely afraid of him.
Bonus Award: Worst Use of Horses
Good lord, what the hell were they thinking with this picture? Despite all evidence to contrary, Missy Hyatt was not a completely unattractive person. But once in awhile you got a bad angle, and then you were asking when the camera crew had wandered into a horse stable. It’s not just the badness of this picture that’s killing me. Oh no, there’s more:
Thoroughbred Horses? Who at Impel did Missy piss off? That’s just mean. And to make matters worse, there are four (4) Missy Hyatt cards in the series, and all four have that photo on the back. OUCH.
But you know what? It could be worse. And it did get worse for Missy Hyatt. (Warning: scary-ass plastic surgery monster ahead!) At least she doesn’t look like a horse anymore, just the stuff of nightmares.