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INTERDIMENSIONAL WRESTLERS 053

 

THE CHOSEN HERALD OF THE ANCIENT METAL GODS, TOM TARTARUS HAS COME TO BANG HEADS AND THRASH NERDS!

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Presenting my almost-daily thing that I do just for the hell of it, Two Packs a Day! Every weekday, I open two packs of WCW trading cards from 1991 and share my findings with you, complete with cheap, lazy jokes at the expense of the professional wrestlers involved. Enjoy!

Hey there. I’m Mac. Now don’t none a y’all get yerselves all excited or nuthin, I just been tasked by Corwin’s agent (some four-eyed jackass named Mr. Ledbetter) with sharin what’s goin on with ol Corwin.

See, the sumbitch up and ran off. Last time I seen him, he wasn’t lookin so hot. it was a lil over a week ago when he come knockin on the door of my Airstream. When I answered, I could see he hadn’t been doin good, cuz his hair was all over the damn place and his neck beard had grown like a patch of weeds or somethin, just hair all over the damn place. And his eyes. See, I know Corwin’s not all there in his head, but he just looked crazed. Not even the meth heads out in Chino Valley look that nuts.

I gotta admit I didn’t want none of it at first. I took one look and I told that bum to fuck right off. I slammed the door in his hobo-lookin face and grabbed me a beer out of the cooler. But Corwin just pounded the door harder. He was yellin, too. Now, ya know, I watched me some wrasslin in my day but I ain’t all intellectual about it. I know me some Arn and Ole Anderson, I know me some Buddy Rogers, I know me some Harley Race, but that’s about it. Every once in a while Joey down the street has me over to his momma’s trailer in Cornville for the big pay-per-view, but shit, that’s about it. Corwin on the other hand, he damn well lives for the weird shit. He knows the name of wrasslers I didn’t even know existed.

And that night when he was poundin on my door, he was rantin and ravin about Steiners and Genetic Freaks and Dirty Dutch people and El-Gee-Gan-Tays. Fucked if I know what hell was goin on in his head. I finally opened the door again and there he was, just sittin on my steps, the pockets of his cut-offs stuffed with plastic WCW wrappers. He stunk of pipe tobacco and bathtub gin. He was forlorn.

So I asked him what the hell was up. He said he just couldn’t take anymore of them there cards he was writin about on his blog, and some shit about him tryin a be a “real writer” and write books and respectable shit and really I wasn’t paying a whole lotta attention no more cuz i noticed it was almost time for So You Think You Can Dance and I never miss that shit and now here was this highly educated in-tuh-lectual type cryin on my linoleum floor about figure four leglocks and Boston crabs and I can’t even make heads or tails because I’m allergic to seafood anyway.

So I smack the moron upside the head and tell him to man the fuck up and he wipes his nose on the sleeve of his lil wussy-ass Quantum Leap tee shirt and stands up and says I’m right. And I’m like, “well shit, Corwin, I know that.”

And then he straightens himself out and takes a beer out of the cooler and takes a big, cold drink of that beer and he asks what I’m up to and I tells him So You Think You Can Dance is comin on and I ain’t gonna miss that shit for what and he says cool and everything seems alright. I sit in my lay-z-boy with a pile of cold ones on the floor next to me and he leans against my shelf of Hustlers and we watch the show. And then he goes into the bathroom to take a leak. When the show’s over I notice he’s still in there and I tell him to hurry up and pinch that shit off. And then a whole ruckus kicks up in there and by the time I kick down the door he’s halfway out the bathroom window with his shirt peeled off and his face covered in my old lady’s lipstick like some kind of indian war paint and he says “Load the spaceship with the rocket fuel” and then he’s gone in the darkness. Next I hear the crash of glass and when I finally get my tired ass out the front door he’s peelin off in my old Maverick. Thats when I notice he stole my keys and then I’m just pissed off cuz my Basha’s card is on that keychain and now how am I supposed to get my member savings?

It’s bullshit, I tell you. I hate payin full price for my vegetables. The Maverick is kind of a prized possession as well, but only cuz I won it off Pete Slater in a game of quarters. We ain’t got a whole lot to do in the middle of December round here unless you like skiin. I hate the shit. Don’t ask me why I live in a mountain town that gets snow.

And that’s the last I seen of Corwin. I talked to his agent and he says Corwin just needs some time off to recuperate after all the hard work he was puttin in at the college and he and his buxom lil lady are just gettin some R&R. But I know that’s bullshit too.

The man’s lost his mind. I looked over at his tweeter account or whatever it is and he’s still talkin on it. Looks like he hit Tucson, which baffles me cuz nobody but crazies even wanna step foot in Tucson. But his agent says Corwin is back in town again, so I been tasked with tracking the little fucker down. I got a hot tip from one of the hoboes that hangs around Corwin’s neighborhood, so I’m gonna follow that up.

I’ll let you know. Until Corwin gets back, his agent has left me with his blog password and I’m gonna keep you up to date on my hunt.

Wish me luck,

Mac

Presenting my new almost-daily thing that I will do just for the hell of it, Two Packs a Day! Every weekday, I will open two packs of WCW trading cards from 1991 and share my findings with you. I have nearly a whole box of these that I ordered off of Amazon (I started with a sealed box, but I’ve given away a few packs to friends), so this should be fun. Or it will be a total disaster. We’ll see.

2 packs! 24 cards! What treasures lie within???

Let’s look at today’s Top 5!

1. Best Photo

No, Lex Luger hasn’t been caught off-guard! He’s simply doing his best attempt at the Humpty Dance.

Sadly, I would not be surprised if Lex actually did get busy in a Burger King bathroom.

I just hope he was able to get his shirt off.

2. Best Outfit

Man, two straight days of Freebird bashing. I don’t feel bad, because in reality those guys were epic as far as old school tag teams go (so badass they’re in the opening sequence of the first Highlander flick).

But man, what was up with the puffy shirts in WCW? Was the costumer for the company a low talker or something?

Talk about outdated pop culture references… sad. Just sad.

Hey, I’m trying here.

3. Best WTF Bio

Okay, so I know I’m a big atheist and all, so my Biblical knowledge might not be up to snuff by some standards, but I thought Goliath was supposed to be a bad guy. I’m getting mixed signals, because there’s no way a decent person over the age of 9 would actually list Sting as their favorite wrestler, but at the same time he loves Janet Jackson.

I just don’t know what to think anymore, guys.

4. Who???

The only people that probably don’t know who Teddy Long is are probably people who haven’t watched wrestling (at least not in the past decade). Incidentally, I know that I have an umber of readers who fit that description, so I think it’s fair to give him this spot today.

Okay, I’ll be honest: I only really picked him just to show off his fashion sense again.

But who is he?

Teddy Long has worked in the business since 1985 as a referee and a manager, starting with Jim Crockett Promotions (WCW), and working today for the WWE. His prime managing years were in the late ’80s and ’90s for WCW, where he managed Doom (his “clients” at the time this card was released), as well as the likes of Johnny B. Badd (aka Marc Mero) and The Skyscrapers (a tag team that included Mark Callous, who would go on to become the legendary Undertaker in the WWF).

In the late ’90s, Teddy joined the WWF as a referee, and then eventually became the “General Manager” (an on-screen “boss” role) of WWE Smackdown!

He likes saying “playa” when addressing people on the show. I don’t know why. It’s endearing, I guess.

But look at that outfit. It’s like he bought one of Vanilla Ice’s old suits at Goodwill and paired it with a crusty bandanna.

5. Jim Ross Gives Zero Fucks About Lex Luger

 

Man, who else can look so cool and composed while a ‘roid-headed boob like Luger is screaming incoherently right next to him? Jim motherfucking Ross.

Presenting my new almost-daily thing that I will do just for the hell of it, Two Packs a Day! Every weekday, I will open two packs of WCW trading cards from 1991 and share my findings with you. I have nearly a whole box of these that I ordered off of Amazon (I started with a sealed box, but I’ve given away a few packs to friends), so this should be fun. Or it will be a total disaster. We’ll see.

2 packs! 24 cards! What treasures lie within???

Let’s look at today’s Top 5!

1. Best Photo

What in the wide world of sports is going on in this picture? Is Brian having a seizure? Is he wrestling with the world famous Invisible Wrestler? I don’t know!

2. Best Outfit

That is one fabulous freebird.

Hold on, this picture isn’t big enough…

My god, it’s full of stars…

3. Best WTF Bio

GUYS! I JUST FOUND OUT THE SECRET TO BEING A SUCCESSFUL WRESTLER! YOU HAVE TO STAY IN SHAPE AND WATCH WHAT YOU EAT! MY MIND IS BLOWN!

4. Who???

Okay, so I’ve made fun of Ricky Morton before, mostly because he looks tacky and kinda sad. Little did I know that he’s won 79 championships over the course of his career.

79. Seventy-nine.

He was most famous as one half of the Rock n’ Roll Express with Robert Gibson (no relation, as far as I know), with whom he won the NWA World Tag Team belt four times. They frequently feuded with their evil counterparts, the Midnight Express, appeared in the WWF very briefly (and lost their NWA titles to the Headbangers, of all the horrible tag teams to lose to, while appearing in the WWF), and also managed to capture some other regional titles along the way. Not bad.

Still, you look at the cards for this guy and you go, “How the heck was this guy popular?” Well, by 1991 he wasn’t really all that hot, but back in the 80s? See, as shown in this match from 1987, things were a little different. For one thing, mullets were still cool.

These days, however, Morton is still trying to wrestle so he can pay off back child support that he owes. Yikes!

5. Best Picture of Arn Anderson Probably Saying Something About Somebody’s Mother

 

He mad.

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