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Presenting my almost-daily thing that I do just for the hell of it, Two Packs a Day! Every weekday, I open two packs of WCW trading cards from 1991 and share my findings with you, complete with cheap, lazy jokes at the expense of the professional wrestlers involved. Enjoy!

Scratch that. Monday was a holiday, so I didn’t open any packs. Hey, even a bum like me needs a day off.

But it took me awhile yesterday and today to get to the usual 2PaD action, for a number of reasons, not the least of which was the arrival of the newest issue of the best wrestling fanzine around, The Atomic Elbow.

Robert, the gentleman behind the zine, always packs each envelope with more than your money’s worth of stuff. Seen here is the zine itself, along with a poster, a handwritten note from Robert, a sticker for “The Old School Wrestling Podcast” (which I have never listened to but will certainly check out now), and three trading cards (in addition to the “limited edition” pin inserted in the middle of the zine).

Why does any of this matter to you? Well, a couple of things come to mind:

  1. You might find the zine interesting, and therefore might purchase yourself a copy. (Go get one right now! Hurry!)
  2. It’s because of this guy that 2PaD exists. See, I had forgotten all about those 1991 WCW trading cards until I received a handful of them with the first issue of The Atomic Elbow. Then I sought out a sealed box. Then I had to figure out WTF I was going to do with a sealed box of wrestling trading cards from 21 years ago. And then BAM! the idea struck me like a knife-edged chop to the chest.

So there you go. Now what?

Now, let’s look at the cards he sent me this time! There’s only three of them, but they’re not from the WCW series I’ve been covering. That’s right, we have new challengers!

Card Numero Uno:

What better example of the struggle of working as a professional wrestler, trying to make ends meet with his meager pay and mounting health care costs, than one who has to pull double duty as a garbage man?

The WWF was weird in the 1990s. Before Stone Cold Steve Austin started drinking beer and throwing middle fingers all over the place, the Fed was populated by a lot of dudes who apparently had to have secondary careers in addition to being wrestlers. You had Sparky Plugg, the wrestler who supposedly also drove stock cars; you had The Mountie, who was a Canadian Mounted Police officer that somehow was allowed to make extra cash beating up other dudes in the ring; you even had the Repo Man, who seemed to just be a plain ol’ kleptomaniac rather than a professional repossessor. It was like everybody that wasn’t already a big name had to have a gimmick beyond just being an awesome grappler or technician, and that gimmick had to be some shitty job.
That’s how you end up with a guy like Duke the Dumpster. Duke is a garbage man. He has the uniform and everything, and here he is pictured with garbage. Of course, I am confused about his name. Is he also a human garbage can? Does he consume garbage? I don’t know!

As you can guess, Duke the Dumpster was a huge success, and eventually became World Wrestling Federation Champion. Kids just couldn’t get enough of their favorite trash-collecting superstar, and he went on to bigger and better things, like films, multi-platinum albums and a mansion filled with fake-breasted bimbos who he pays $100/hr to wrestle in his living room.

No, wait, he’s a training a conditioning coach for a high school football team now. Well, at least that’s probably better for his health.

Card Numero Dos:

One of these guys is dead. The other now works for TNA, which is almost the same thing.

“Unexpected Turn of Events” might be the best way to describe getting a card with the late, great Eddie Guerrero on it.

If you’re unfamiliar with Eddie, check out some of his matches on youtube. Fantastic work.

This card is a from an ill-fated attempt by the WWE to cash in on collectible card games. How could such a thing not do well? I mean, what better way to partake in your favorite sports entertainment than by recreating it at your local comic shop, where you lose horribly to a 9 year old who calls you gay slurs while sipping his 2-liter bottle of Mountain Dew—

Wait, that sounds remarkably like playing WWE ’12 on XBox Live, except it’s in the form of a card game. Even better.

Eddie, your epic matches with Kurt Angle deserve better than this.

Card Numero Tres:

Actual cock-smoking

I give you… Big Van VaderI wish there were Vader cards in the set I’ve been posting. The guy is ridiculous. You can’t understand half the shit that comes out of his mouth, he usually works stiff (which means he doesn’t give a shit if he actually hurts anybody when he’s wrestling them), he wears a g-string on his face, AND he was part of a stable in New Japan Pro Wrestling that was managed by Takeshi “Beat Takeshi” Kitano (you know, the comedian, TV personality, filmmaker and creator of Takeshi’s Castle). The guy is a monster and he’s crazy. There’s just so much to work with when you have devoted your days to writing cheap, lousy jokes about wrestlers.

But honestly, let’s just look at the time he assaulted a TV host in Kuwait when asked if wrestling is fake. (That host later sued the WWF and Vader for the incident)

Nutso.

I honestly don’t know what Vader is doing on this card. I know what it looks like. It looks like he’s so crazy and unpredictable that smoke is actually coming out of his crotch and suffocating his opponent. But that’s the easy joke!

I’m not sure if he’s showing us his “OH” face or if he’s saying something rude about my mother. Knowing Vader, it could be both.

You know what? Fuck it, I’m going with the easy joke.

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Presenting my almost-daily thing that I do just for the hell of it, Two Packs a Day! Every weekday, I open two packs of WCW trading cards from 1991 and share my findings with you, complete with cheap, lazy jokes at the expense of the professional wrestlers involved. Enjoy!

So what did I find this time?

Well, I was going to approach this the way I usually do, but then I discovered something special about today’s packs. Today, I have the largest assortment of ridiculous facial expressions I have seen in a sampling of 24 cards.

Now, I’ve seen most of these cards before in previous packs, but not all in one place. I’d like to say it’s unprecedented, thus making me sound like one of those airheaded TV blowhards on the news shows, and maybe this happens more often than I have actually noticed, but let’s just go with it.

The Top 10 Facial Expressions of the 1991 WCW Trading Card Series (so far)

10. Arn “Double A” Anderson

WE HAVE TO GO BACK, KATE!

This might be the saddest face I’ve ever seen on Arn Anderson. This is a man who usually shows all the emotions, from serious business to scowling.

9. Scott Steiner

Scott just saw what he’s going to turn into in 20 years.

It’s not everyday that you see “Big Poppa Pump” Scott Steiner, the Genetic Freak, the Big Bad Booty Daddy, crying like a little baby. But remember this was when he was only ‘roided up like your average wrestler, before he attempted to turn himself into a real life kaiju.

8. Butch Reed

“It’s all good!”

Butch Reed is just a nice guy, even when he’s bodyslamming you.

7. Sid Vicious

“Who does Number 2 work for?!”

Fiber, Sid.

6. Flyin’ Brian Pillman

“Watch the balls!”

5. Arn Anderson, again

“NERRRRRRRRRRRDS!”

My cat Hugo makes this face at me frequently. I don’t know what his deal is.

4. Sid Vicious redux

“ME WANT HONEYCOMB!”

3. El Gigante

El Gigante does his best impression of someone watching an El Gigante match.

Turns out making this face was El Gigante’s best talent.

2. Ricky Morton

Morton realizes his career has already peaked.

Don’t worry, Ricky. It gets worse.

1. Ric Flair

I make the same face when I remember that time when Flair’s son tried to be a wrestler.

You probably can’t tell this from the cropped photo, but at this moment, Flair has his opponent in the Figure 4 Leg Lock. So what I’m saying is that this is the face Ric Flair makes when he’s winning.

That’s it for this week. See you on Monday for more 2PaD!

Presenting my new almost-daily thing that I will do just for the hell of it, Two Packs a Day! Every weekday, I will open two packs of WCW trading cards from 1991 and share my findings with you. I have nearly a whole box of these that I ordered off of Amazon (I started with a sealed box, but I’ve given away a few packs to friends), so this should be fun. Or it will be a total disaster. We’ll see.

2 packs! 24 cards! What treasures lie within???

Let’s look at today’s Top 5!

1. Best Photo

No, Lex Luger hasn’t been caught off-guard! He’s simply doing his best attempt at the Humpty Dance.

Sadly, I would not be surprised if Lex actually did get busy in a Burger King bathroom.

I just hope he was able to get his shirt off.

2. Best Outfit

Man, two straight days of Freebird bashing. I don’t feel bad, because in reality those guys were epic as far as old school tag teams go (so badass they’re in the opening sequence of the first Highlander flick).

But man, what was up with the puffy shirts in WCW? Was the costumer for the company a low talker or something?

Talk about outdated pop culture references… sad. Just sad.

Hey, I’m trying here.

3. Best WTF Bio

Okay, so I know I’m a big atheist and all, so my Biblical knowledge might not be up to snuff by some standards, but I thought Goliath was supposed to be a bad guy. I’m getting mixed signals, because there’s no way a decent person over the age of 9 would actually list Sting as their favorite wrestler, but at the same time he loves Janet Jackson.

I just don’t know what to think anymore, guys.

4. Who???

The only people that probably don’t know who Teddy Long is are probably people who haven’t watched wrestling (at least not in the past decade). Incidentally, I know that I have an umber of readers who fit that description, so I think it’s fair to give him this spot today.

Okay, I’ll be honest: I only really picked him just to show off his fashion sense again.

But who is he?

Teddy Long has worked in the business since 1985 as a referee and a manager, starting with Jim Crockett Promotions (WCW), and working today for the WWE. His prime managing years were in the late ’80s and ’90s for WCW, where he managed Doom (his “clients” at the time this card was released), as well as the likes of Johnny B. Badd (aka Marc Mero) and The Skyscrapers (a tag team that included Mark Callous, who would go on to become the legendary Undertaker in the WWF).

In the late ’90s, Teddy joined the WWF as a referee, and then eventually became the “General Manager” (an on-screen “boss” role) of WWE Smackdown!

He likes saying “playa” when addressing people on the show. I don’t know why. It’s endearing, I guess.

But look at that outfit. It’s like he bought one of Vanilla Ice’s old suits at Goodwill and paired it with a crusty bandanna.

5. Jim Ross Gives Zero Fucks About Lex Luger

 

Man, who else can look so cool and composed while a ‘roid-headed boob like Luger is screaming incoherently right next to him? Jim motherfucking Ross.

Presenting my new almost-daily thing that I will do just for the hell of it, Two Packs a Day! Every weekday, I will open two packs of WCW trading cards from 1991 and share my findings with you. I have nearly a whole box of these that I ordered off of Amazon (I started with a sealed box, but I’ve given away a few packs to friends), so this should be fun. Or it will be a total disaster. We’ll see.

2 packs! 24 cards! What treasures lie within???

Let’s look at today’s Top 5!

1. Best Photo

What in the wide world of sports is going on in this picture? Is Brian having a seizure? Is he wrestling with the world famous Invisible Wrestler? I don’t know!

2. Best Outfit

That is one fabulous freebird.

Hold on, this picture isn’t big enough…

My god, it’s full of stars…

3. Best WTF Bio

GUYS! I JUST FOUND OUT THE SECRET TO BEING A SUCCESSFUL WRESTLER! YOU HAVE TO STAY IN SHAPE AND WATCH WHAT YOU EAT! MY MIND IS BLOWN!

4. Who???

Okay, so I’ve made fun of Ricky Morton before, mostly because he looks tacky and kinda sad. Little did I know that he’s won 79 championships over the course of his career.

79. Seventy-nine.

He was most famous as one half of the Rock n’ Roll Express with Robert Gibson (no relation, as far as I know), with whom he won the NWA World Tag Team belt four times. They frequently feuded with their evil counterparts, the Midnight Express, appeared in the WWF very briefly (and lost their NWA titles to the Headbangers, of all the horrible tag teams to lose to, while appearing in the WWF), and also managed to capture some other regional titles along the way. Not bad.

Still, you look at the cards for this guy and you go, “How the heck was this guy popular?” Well, by 1991 he wasn’t really all that hot, but back in the 80s? See, as shown in this match from 1987, things were a little different. For one thing, mullets were still cool.

These days, however, Morton is still trying to wrestle so he can pay off back child support that he owes. Yikes!

5. Best Picture of Arn Anderson Probably Saying Something About Somebody’s Mother

 

He mad.

Presenting my new almost-daily thing that I will do just for the hell of it, Two Packs a Day! Every weekday, I will open two packs of WCW trading cards from 1991 and share my findings with you. I have nearly a whole box of these that I ordered off of Amazon (I started with a sealed box, but I’ve given away a few packs to friends), so this should be fun. Or it will be a total disaster. We’ll see.

2 packs! 24 cards! What treasures lie within???

Let’s look at today’s Top 5!

1. Best Photo

If this particular shot had a Brazzers logo on it, things would look quite different.

2. Best Outfit(s)

He looks like a guy that frequents a local bar here on karaoke night, and I’m not sure if that’s a good thing.

I’ll tell you what, though: I might be willing to commit murder for a Doom t-shirt like that.

3. Best WTF Bio

I have chosen Mr. Taylor’s card this time for one reason and one reason alone: If you have listed “Winning the World TV Title” as your greatest accomplishment, things aren’t going so well for you.

4. Who???

Mr. Wall Street, aka Michael Wallstreet, aka V.K. Wallstreet, aka Captain Mike, aka Mike Rotunda, aka Mike Rotundo, aka Mike Drond, aka Irwin R. Schyster, aka I.R.S.

Is that enough pseudonyms for one guy? Well, that’s not the most that a single wrestler has had, but it’s an awful lot. Mike Rotunda was a pretty solid wrestler, and bounced around between the NWA, AWA, WCW, and WWF for years. He was part of quality tag teams, namely the U.S. Express with his real-life brother-in-law, Barry Windham, and Money, Inc. with The Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase.

At the time this card was released, he had taken on a new gimmick, that of a wealthy investor named Mr. Wallstreet. We’ve looked at previous cards related to this angle. Modeling himself after Gordon Gekko, Wallstreet and Ms. York formed the York Foundation and acted like evil, greedy people. Rotunda eventually left WCW and joined the WWF, where he became Irwin R. Schyster (IRS), an evil tax collector who would threaten the audience with a handful of tax forms. Surprisingly, he went over pretty well. I have no idea why, beyond the typical hate people have for doing their taxes.

5. Best Pandering to WCW’s Target Audience

WCW was formerly Jim Crockett Promotions, was based out of Atlanta, GA, and aired on Ted Turner’s TBS Superstation (back when Ted still owned it, before it was turned into a lukewarm “comedy” channel where Conan is the best thing on their schedule). Wrestling is a staple of the South. So it makes sense that, you know, they’d try to pander to that audience.

Hence the Southern Boys tag team, with their cute little CSA uniforms and mullets. That shit makes sense to me. It’s dumb, but whatever. But now I’m supposed to believe that the high-five is a “Southern thang?” Fuck you, WCW.

Presenting my new almost-daily thing that I will do just for the hell of it, Two Packs a Day! Every weekday, I will open two packs of WCW trading cards from 1991 and share my findings with you. I have nearly a whole box of these that I ordered off of Amazon (I started with a sealed box, but I’ve given away a few packs to friends), so this should be fun. Or it will be a total disaster. We’ll see.

2 packs! 24 cards! What treasures lie within???

Let’s look at today’s Top 5!

1. Best Photo

I present the return of the Dutch! I’m sorry! I swear I am truly sorry, but this guy is too glorious not to showcase every time he shows up on a card. Especially this card, where his hair and beard unite to create an ungodly mane of Mufasa proportions.

So last time we saw Dutch, the writers of these cards were unsure if he was the hairiest man in wrestling. Now it appears they’ve sealed it. The thing is, though… I am far more interested now in why he named his bullwhip “Shoebaby.” It must have been quite a big deal. I mean, WCW thought it was necessary to trademark the name.

2. Best Outfit(s)

Okay, who ordered the Confederate strippers?

Also, how did I not already know that Confederate strippers were a thing?

Man, I bet this is what Strom Thurmond saw when he died.

3. Best WTF Bio


I am beginning to wonder if perhaps El Gigante had a special card writer from his home country of Argentina, who was given the specific task of writing each El Gigante card in this set. That’s the only explanation I can come up with regarding WTF is going on here.

4. Who???

So who is Doom? Doom is a tag team consisting of Butch Reed and future World Heavyweight Champion Ron Simmons, who has sadly spent the past 20 years (give or take) since then being treated like a chump by both the WWF and WCW. Simmons and Reed started in the NWA/WCW as the tag team Doom, and garnered plenty of accolades. In this card set, it appears that they were intended to be enemies of Sting in particular.

Regardless, Simmons shortly went into singles competition after Doom had a reign as Tag Team champs, and he managed to earn a title shot via lottery to face Big Van Vader, who he actually defeated, making him the first African American world heavyweight champion in wrestling (according to the WWE). He held the title for five months, which probably makes his reign longer than most of the championship reigns in the later Monday Night Wars-era WCW. Hell, that’s longer than modern title reigns seem to run anymore.

And what happened? He later ended up in the WWF/WWE, where he showed up on the midcard, at best. He’s better known by wrestling fans today as the black dude who randomly shows up backstage and says, “Damn!”

Oh ,and Butch Reed? Oh, he only went a full 60 minutes with Ric Flair in a no-DQ match in 1985.

So yeah, Butch Reed and Ron Simmons? Legitimate badasses.

5. Worst Ric Flair Impression

I tell you, I am beginning to hate Terry Taylor. Who the hell is he kidding in that thing?

Presenting my new almost-daily thing that I will do just for the hell of it, Two Packs a Day! Every weekday, I will open two packs of WCW trading cards from 1991 and share my findings with you. I have nearly a whole box of these that I ordered off of Amazon (I started with a sealed box, but I’ve given away a few packs to friends), so this should be fun. Or it will be a total disaster. We’ll see.

2 packs! 24 cards! What treasures lie within???

Let’s look at today’s Top 5!

1. Best Photo (Tie)

I will stop picking the Steiners Bros. when I stop getting amazing Steiner Bros. cards. This one was a tough call, so I just picked both cards, BECAUSE DOGS ARE AWESOME.

Dogs make almost everything better. Beer commercials? Better with dogs, as proven by Spuds McKenzie. Christmas songs? Better when sung (or howled) by dogs. Superheroes? Better when they have dog sidekicks (Krypto is probably my favorite thing from Superman comics).

And wrestlers? Better when they’re accompanied by dogs (Except when the dog in question is actually a person)!

Fuck yeah dogs! Oh wait…

Thanks, WCW and/or Impel, for helping promote the bad image unfairly associated with pit bulls. Because, you know, pit bulls totally eat people. Dicks.

2. Best Outfit

I was feeling down after that last card, but then Ricky Morton showed up with his outer space pirate shirt to cheer me up! I’m glad to see he learned to accessorize since our last encounter, and he’s really nailed it here: nothing goes better with that strange assortment of rags than a puffy blouse made out of Apollo 11 astronauts.

I guess you gotta do what you gotta do when you look like Joel Hodgson’s less-talented white trash brother.

3. Best WTF Bio


I will tell you right now, every Mr. Wallstreet card is insane. This one is just the tip of the iceberg.

I don’t know what to focus on: the likely unintended sexual innuendo (he’s “plugged in to her data base,” *snort*) or the fact that he’s using the magic of computers to beat his opponents. I bet it’s really exciting to watch.

I bet it looks just like this. Just with less Penn Jillette.

4. Who???

No, that’s not Garrett from Community. That’s Tommy Rich, and I have no idea who the hell he is or why somebody thought we needed a trading card of him. Turns out, the guy was once, back in the early 80s, NWA World Heavyweight Championalbeit for only 4 days, as he dropped the belt to Harley Race, the previous holder of the title (in what Harley Race claims was a move by Jim Barnett to maintain some level of control over the NWA).

In what should be no surprise by now, Rich was actually quite popular in the Georgia and Memphis territories in the 70s and 80s, and by the time WCW brought him in he was an accomplished veteran (for those not in the know, WCW, owned by Ted Turner, was based out of Atlanta and worked to maintain the following it had built in the South by enlisting well known stars from the region). Sadly, he was quickly relegated to mid-card status as a member of the York Foundation (the same stable that was home to the aforementioned Mr. Wallstreet, along with Terry Taylor), and then was dropped to the bottom of the card once that stable broke up.

And now I am sad again. I’ll just watch this to feel better.

Feelin’ better already!

5. Best Use of Limerick

Considering how legendarily horrible the late El Gigante/Giant Gonzalez was in the ring, I wouldn’t be surprised if Ric Flair simply burst into flames when they faced each other.

That’s it for this week, see you all next week for more exciting WCW action!

Presenting my new daily thing that I will do just for the hell of it, Two Packs a Day! Every weekday, I will open two packs of WCW trading cards from 1991 and share my findings with you. I have nearly a whole box of these that I ordered off of Amazon (I started with a sealed box, but I’ve given away a few packs to friends), so this should be fun. Or it will be a total disaster. We’ll see.

2 packs! 24 cards! What treasures lie within???

Let’s look at today’s Top 5!

1. Best Photo

You know, there might have been some nice cards in today’s packs, but I wouldn’t know. I was too damned enchanted by the beard on ol’ Dirty Dutch Mantell here. This picture is just strange.

“Hey, whaddya got for Dutch Mantell?”

“Well, I got this here picture of him lookin’ all hairy and sloppy, on his knees, arms akimbo in disapproval.”

“Oh that sounds good! Is he lookin’ at the camera?”

“Nope, he’s just staring off at something out of frame. Could be starin’ at a nekkid guy.”

“It’ll do, I guess.”

What is this I don’t even

2. Best Outfit

Man, you know what’s gotta put asses in seats? Taking a sweaty, hairy cuss like this guy and putting him in the cheapest, rattiest singlet you can find at Savers. Nothing is sure to woo the ring rats better than this combo.

It’s goddamn glorious, is what it is.

3. Best WTF Bio


Dutch is a dastardly dude! Here they say that he may be the hairiest, pretty much taking the Fox News approach to making a claim (I just wish they had posed the “dastardly dude” point as a question just to make it more Fox-y). I should point out also that he is billed from “Oil Trough, Texas.” Now, I took a gander at Google Maps, and, lo and behold, there is no such place. There’s an Oil Trough, Arkansas, but it’s relatively far from Texas.

4. Who???

So who exactly is this dastardly dude that’s taken over today’s 2PaD segment? Well, let’s find out…

According to Wikipedia, Dutch was born Wayne Keown. He wrestled under numerous monikers, but was best known as Dutch Martel (or Martell). He had some considerable success with the NWA in its heyday, was pretty legendary in the Southern territories (particularly Memphis) and had a pretty impressive series of matches against Jerry “The King” Lawler, a fellow Memphis legend.

He worked for both WCW and the WWF for brief stints, but never got huge with them. He later became a booker/writer for TNA before getting the axe a few years ago. Since then, he’s become an accomplished author. He’s also got a near-endless supply of outstanding stories from his wrestling years.

Oh yeah, and he has a blog: http://theworldaccordingtodutch.blogspot.com/

He seems like a pretty sharp dude, and he’s pretty web-savvy, to boot, which helps.

5. Best Beard

BEHOLD ITS GREATNESS

Bonus Award: Best Instance of Ric Flair Making Sting Look Like a Bitch

“Please, Nature Boy! Think about all the li’l Stingers out there!”

I just couldn’t pass up a chance to post this card.

Presenting my new daily thing that I will do just for the hell of it, Two Packs a Day! Every weekday, I will open two packs of WCW trading cards from 1991 and share my findings with you. I have nearly a whole box of these that I ordered off of Amazon (I started with a sealed box, but I’ve given away a few packs to friends), so this should be fun. Or it will be a total disaster. We’ll see.

2 packs! 24 cards! What treasures lie within???

Let’s look at today’s Top 5!

1. Best Photo

That’s Lex Luger applying his most famous move, the “Human Torture Rack” (often simply referred to as the Torture Rack), what we are made to believe is a devastating maneuver that puts all opponents in considerable pain. This move, if you were to hear Jim Ross or Tony Schiavone call it, can cripple the victim. And then you get a picture of Arn Anderson just plain maxin’ and relaxin’ while on the receiving end of the same move. Arn looks like he could curl up with a nice book and a cold margarita right about now.

2. Best Outfit

Oh, Ricky Morton. I don’t want to make fun of you, because you really don’t have a lot going for you, what with that haggard, busted face and fried hair. But man, did you dress yourself this morning? I ask because if you did, you need to stop and have somebody do it for you. It looks like you covered your lower half in glue and then rolled around on the floor at a Stryper concert. I bet you drive to each wrestling show in one of them fancy custom vans with eagles and wolves airbrushed on the sides.

See, now I just made myself jealous of you. Don’t you feel better?

3. Best WTF Bio

“If he weren’t a wrestler, it’s scary to think what Sid would be doing.” -Dennis Brent, Editor, “Wrestling Wrap-Up”

Okay, not so much a bio as a quote. If you’re not familiar with Sid Vicious, aka Sid Justice, aka Sycho Sid, aka Sid Eudy, then you might be thinking the same thing.

The answer? Apparently, playing softball.

4. Who???

Terry Taylor! The guy so charismatic, the WWF decided they needed to dress him up like some kind of half-man, half-rooster to get him over with fans, which totally worked!*

Taylor had a long career in wrestling, going back to 1980. He worked for both the WWF and WCW over the course of that career, along with several regional promotions. He never really amounted to much with either the WWF or WCW, and eventually took on a backstage role as trainer, agent, and writer and even did interviews and commentary.

According to this card, Taylor’s motto in regards ot his opponents is, “They enter the ring hopeful, but they leave Taylor-made.” I don’t know what the fuck that’s supposed to mean, honestly.

But hey, at least he was the Texas Heavyweight Champion at one point in his career, which probably means something if you’re one of those people that treats Texas like it’s the center of the universe. I guess it’s better than being the champion of Delaware, at least.

*It didn’t, but I’ll let you be the judge of that—> The Red Rooster cuts a promo

5. Best Use of Metaphors

I have read this thing more times than I can count while prepping for today’s entry, and like all things Scott Steiner, I am left more confused than when I started. So Rick is the bulldozer, and Scott is the demolition expert. Does that mean Scott rides around on Rick’s back, knocking guys over? How does this work? If Scott’s not driving the bulldozer, then who is???

I do really like the mental image of Scott just riding his brother, making machine sounds with his mouth and pulling imaginary levers. It’s quite cute, and makes me less terrified of the man.

And then I remember he only got the World Title in WCW because everybody in the company was genuinely afraid of him.

Bonus Award: Worst Use of Horses

Good lord, what the hell were they thinking with this picture? Despite all evidence to contrary, Missy Hyatt was not a completely unattractive person. But once in awhile you got a bad angle, and then you were asking when the camera crew had wandered into a horse stable. It’s not just the badness of this picture that’s killing me. Oh no, there’s more:

Thoroughbred Horses? Who at Impel did Missy piss off? That’s just mean. And to make matters worse, there are four (4) Missy Hyatt cards in the series, and all four have that photo on the back. OUCH.

But you know what? It could be worse. And it did get worse for Missy Hyatt. (Warning: scary-ass plastic surgery monster ahead!) At least she doesn’t look like a horse anymore, just the stuff of nightmares.

Presenting my new daily thing that I will do just for the hell of it, Two Packs a Day! Every weekday, I will open two packs of WCW trading cards from 1991 and share my findings with you. I have nearly a whole box of these that I ordered off of Amazon (I started with a sealed box, but I’ve given away a few packs to friends), so this should be fun. Or it will be a total disaster. We’ll see.

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2 packs! 24 cards! What treasures lie within???

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Let’s look at today’s Top 5!

1. Best Photo
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There weren’t many pics that stood out to me from these first two packs. The Steiners take it today because, well, they just look so contemplative and philosophical. Now I don’t know what match this is from, but we can see that they’re leaving the ring, and they look a bit haggard, and they have their Tag Team belts with them, so we can surmise that they just successfully defended their titles and are now making their way backstage. But they don’t just look tired and worn out. Rick, in particular, looks like somebody showed him a videotape of his brother Scott from the future, in which Scott declares he has a 141 and 2/3 percent chance of winning against Samoa Joe and Kurt Angle.

And to think, we used to believe Rick was the crazy one.

2. Best Outfit

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This one, again, goes to Rick Steiner, for wearing something that fit in pretty well back in 1991, but today would likely only be seen on Sacha Baron Cohen or an ironic hipster at the Sasquatch music fest. It’s not just the pink-and-black giraffe print, but the choice to pair it with black and pink stripes within the same wrestling singlet that really sets this ensemble apart from the rest of the pack. Combine that with the headgear that Rick has traditionally worn, and it’s a deadly one-two punch of weirdness. You know what makes it even better? The fact that you just know Rick throws on a pair of clashing Zubaz over the singlet before he goes home for the night, perhaps with some of those neon Gargoyles with the reflective lenses.

3. Best WTF Bio

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“Lex Luger, National Honor Society student…”

4. Who???

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Oh hey, it’s Z-Man! I totally remember Z-Man! Not.

Who?

Well, a quick glance at Wikipedia tells us he’s Tom Zenk. Oh yeah! Tom Zenk!

As Z-Man, he was the last NWA TV Champion and the first WCW TV Champion when Jim Crockett Promotions became World Championship Wrestling (which resulted in WCW leaving the NWA, thus the title change for the championship). Prior to that, he was part of the Can-Am Connection with Rick Martel in the WWF, with a match at Wrestlemania III against Don Muraco and Cowboy Bob Orton (which Can-Am won). With the NWA/WCW, Zenk successfully tag teamed with the late Brian Pillman and later won the 6-Man World Tag Team Championship with Big Josh and Dustin Rhodes.

Honestly, what’s really interesting is that Zenk went to high school with Nikita Koloff, Curt Hennig and Rick Rude. Talk about crazy!

5. Best Obligatory “Sting Getting His Ass Kicked” Pic

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Thanks, Doom, for taking care of that for us.

Fun fact: out of the 24 cards feature Sting. 4 of those are actual Sting cards.

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