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Monthly Archives: May 2012

Presenting my new daily thing that I will do just for the hell of it, Two Packs a Day! Every weekday, I will open two packs of WCW trading cards from 1991 and share my findings with you. I have nearly a whole box of these that I ordered off of Amazon (I started with a sealed box, but I’ve given away a few packs to friends), so this should be fun. Or it will be a total disaster. We’ll see.

2 packs! 24 cards! What treasures lie within???

Let’s look at today’s Top 5!

1. Best Photo

You know, there might have been some nice cards in today’s packs, but I wouldn’t know. I was too damned enchanted by the beard on ol’ Dirty Dutch Mantell here. This picture is just strange.

“Hey, whaddya got for Dutch Mantell?”

“Well, I got this here picture of him lookin’ all hairy and sloppy, on his knees, arms akimbo in disapproval.”

“Oh that sounds good! Is he lookin’ at the camera?”

“Nope, he’s just staring off at something out of frame. Could be starin’ at a nekkid guy.”

“It’ll do, I guess.”

What is this I don’t even

2. Best Outfit

Man, you know what’s gotta put asses in seats? Taking a sweaty, hairy cuss like this guy and putting him in the cheapest, rattiest singlet you can find at Savers. Nothing is sure to woo the ring rats better than this combo.

It’s goddamn glorious, is what it is.

3. Best WTF Bio


Dutch is a dastardly dude! Here they say that he may be the hairiest, pretty much taking the Fox News approach to making a claim (I just wish they had posed the “dastardly dude” point as a question just to make it more Fox-y). I should point out also that he is billed from “Oil Trough, Texas.” Now, I took a gander at Google Maps, and, lo and behold, there is no such place. There’s an Oil Trough, Arkansas, but it’s relatively far from Texas.

4. Who???

So who exactly is this dastardly dude that’s taken over today’s 2PaD segment? Well, let’s find out…

According to Wikipedia, Dutch was born Wayne Keown. He wrestled under numerous monikers, but was best known as Dutch Martel (or Martell). He had some considerable success with the NWA in its heyday, was pretty legendary in the Southern territories (particularly Memphis) and had a pretty impressive series of matches against Jerry “The King” Lawler, a fellow Memphis legend.

He worked for both WCW and the WWF for brief stints, but never got huge with them. He later became a booker/writer for TNA before getting the axe a few years ago. Since then, he’s become an accomplished author. He’s also got a near-endless supply of outstanding stories from his wrestling years.

Oh yeah, and he has a blog: http://theworldaccordingtodutch.blogspot.com/

He seems like a pretty sharp dude, and he’s pretty web-savvy, to boot, which helps.

5. Best Beard

BEHOLD ITS GREATNESS

Bonus Award: Best Instance of Ric Flair Making Sting Look Like a Bitch

“Please, Nature Boy! Think about all the li’l Stingers out there!”

I just couldn’t pass up a chance to post this card.

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Presenting my new daily thing that I will do just for the hell of it, Two Packs a Day! Every weekday, I will open two packs of WCW trading cards from 1991 and share my findings with you. I have nearly a whole box of these that I ordered off of Amazon (I started with a sealed box, but I’ve given away a few packs to friends), so this should be fun. Or it will be a total disaster. We’ll see.

2 packs! 24 cards! What treasures lie within???

Let’s look at today’s Top 5!

1. Best Photo

That’s Lex Luger applying his most famous move, the “Human Torture Rack” (often simply referred to as the Torture Rack), what we are made to believe is a devastating maneuver that puts all opponents in considerable pain. This move, if you were to hear Jim Ross or Tony Schiavone call it, can cripple the victim. And then you get a picture of Arn Anderson just plain maxin’ and relaxin’ while on the receiving end of the same move. Arn looks like he could curl up with a nice book and a cold margarita right about now.

2. Best Outfit

Oh, Ricky Morton. I don’t want to make fun of you, because you really don’t have a lot going for you, what with that haggard, busted face and fried hair. But man, did you dress yourself this morning? I ask because if you did, you need to stop and have somebody do it for you. It looks like you covered your lower half in glue and then rolled around on the floor at a Stryper concert. I bet you drive to each wrestling show in one of them fancy custom vans with eagles and wolves airbrushed on the sides.

See, now I just made myself jealous of you. Don’t you feel better?

3. Best WTF Bio

“If he weren’t a wrestler, it’s scary to think what Sid would be doing.” -Dennis Brent, Editor, “Wrestling Wrap-Up”

Okay, not so much a bio as a quote. If you’re not familiar with Sid Vicious, aka Sid Justice, aka Sycho Sid, aka Sid Eudy, then you might be thinking the same thing.

The answer? Apparently, playing softball.

4. Who???

Terry Taylor! The guy so charismatic, the WWF decided they needed to dress him up like some kind of half-man, half-rooster to get him over with fans, which totally worked!*

Taylor had a long career in wrestling, going back to 1980. He worked for both the WWF and WCW over the course of that career, along with several regional promotions. He never really amounted to much with either the WWF or WCW, and eventually took on a backstage role as trainer, agent, and writer and even did interviews and commentary.

According to this card, Taylor’s motto in regards ot his opponents is, “They enter the ring hopeful, but they leave Taylor-made.” I don’t know what the fuck that’s supposed to mean, honestly.

But hey, at least he was the Texas Heavyweight Champion at one point in his career, which probably means something if you’re one of those people that treats Texas like it’s the center of the universe. I guess it’s better than being the champion of Delaware, at least.

*It didn’t, but I’ll let you be the judge of that—> The Red Rooster cuts a promo

5. Best Use of Metaphors

I have read this thing more times than I can count while prepping for today’s entry, and like all things Scott Steiner, I am left more confused than when I started. So Rick is the bulldozer, and Scott is the demolition expert. Does that mean Scott rides around on Rick’s back, knocking guys over? How does this work? If Scott’s not driving the bulldozer, then who is???

I do really like the mental image of Scott just riding his brother, making machine sounds with his mouth and pulling imaginary levers. It’s quite cute, and makes me less terrified of the man.

And then I remember he only got the World Title in WCW because everybody in the company was genuinely afraid of him.

Bonus Award: Worst Use of Horses

Good lord, what the hell were they thinking with this picture? Despite all evidence to contrary, Missy Hyatt was not a completely unattractive person. But once in awhile you got a bad angle, and then you were asking when the camera crew had wandered into a horse stable. It’s not just the badness of this picture that’s killing me. Oh no, there’s more:

Thoroughbred Horses? Who at Impel did Missy piss off? That’s just mean. And to make matters worse, there are four (4) Missy Hyatt cards in the series, and all four have that photo on the back. OUCH.

But you know what? It could be worse. And it did get worse for Missy Hyatt. (Warning: scary-ass plastic surgery monster ahead!) At least she doesn’t look like a horse anymore, just the stuff of nightmares.

Presenting my new daily thing that I will do just for the hell of it, Two Packs a Day! Every weekday, I will open two packs of WCW trading cards from 1991 and share my findings with you. I have nearly a whole box of these that I ordered off of Amazon (I started with a sealed box, but I’ve given away a few packs to friends), so this should be fun. Or it will be a total disaster. We’ll see.

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2 packs! 24 cards! What treasures lie within???

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Let’s look at today’s Top 5!

1. Best Photo
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There weren’t many pics that stood out to me from these first two packs. The Steiners take it today because, well, they just look so contemplative and philosophical. Now I don’t know what match this is from, but we can see that they’re leaving the ring, and they look a bit haggard, and they have their Tag Team belts with them, so we can surmise that they just successfully defended their titles and are now making their way backstage. But they don’t just look tired and worn out. Rick, in particular, looks like somebody showed him a videotape of his brother Scott from the future, in which Scott declares he has a 141 and 2/3 percent chance of winning against Samoa Joe and Kurt Angle.

And to think, we used to believe Rick was the crazy one.

2. Best Outfit

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This one, again, goes to Rick Steiner, for wearing something that fit in pretty well back in 1991, but today would likely only be seen on Sacha Baron Cohen or an ironic hipster at the Sasquatch music fest. It’s not just the pink-and-black giraffe print, but the choice to pair it with black and pink stripes within the same wrestling singlet that really sets this ensemble apart from the rest of the pack. Combine that with the headgear that Rick has traditionally worn, and it’s a deadly one-two punch of weirdness. You know what makes it even better? The fact that you just know Rick throws on a pair of clashing Zubaz over the singlet before he goes home for the night, perhaps with some of those neon Gargoyles with the reflective lenses.

3. Best WTF Bio

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“Lex Luger, National Honor Society student…”

4. Who???

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Oh hey, it’s Z-Man! I totally remember Z-Man! Not.

Who?

Well, a quick glance at Wikipedia tells us he’s Tom Zenk. Oh yeah! Tom Zenk!

As Z-Man, he was the last NWA TV Champion and the first WCW TV Champion when Jim Crockett Promotions became World Championship Wrestling (which resulted in WCW leaving the NWA, thus the title change for the championship). Prior to that, he was part of the Can-Am Connection with Rick Martel in the WWF, with a match at Wrestlemania III against Don Muraco and Cowboy Bob Orton (which Can-Am won). With the NWA/WCW, Zenk successfully tag teamed with the late Brian Pillman and later won the 6-Man World Tag Team Championship with Big Josh and Dustin Rhodes.

Honestly, what’s really interesting is that Zenk went to high school with Nikita Koloff, Curt Hennig and Rick Rude. Talk about crazy!

5. Best Obligatory “Sting Getting His Ass Kicked” Pic

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Thanks, Doom, for taking care of that for us.

Fun fact: out of the 24 cards feature Sting. 4 of those are actual Sting cards.

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