Two Packs a Day 5/29/12-5/30/12

Presenting my almost-daily thing that I do just for the hell of it, Two Packs a Day! Every weekday, I open two packs of WCW trading cards from 1991 and share my findings with you, complete with cheap, lazy jokes at the expense of the professional wrestlers involved. Enjoy!

Scratch that. Monday was a holiday, so I didn’t open any packs. Hey, even a bum like me needs a day off.

But it took me awhile yesterday and today to get to the usual 2PaD action, for a number of reasons, not the least of which was the arrival of the newest issue of the best wrestling fanzine around, The Atomic Elbow.

Robert, the gentleman behind the zine, always packs each envelope with more than your money’s worth of stuff. Seen here is the zine itself, along with a poster, a handwritten note from Robert, a sticker for “The Old School Wrestling Podcast” (which I have never listened to but will certainly check out now), and three trading cards (in addition to the “limited edition” pin inserted in the middle of the zine).

Why does any of this matter to you? Well, a couple of things come to mind:

  1. You might find the zine interesting, and therefore might purchase yourself a copy. (Go get one right now! Hurry!)
  2. It’s because of this guy that 2PaD exists. See, I had forgotten all about those 1991 WCW trading cards until I received a handful of them with the first issue of The Atomic Elbow. Then I sought out a sealed box. Then I had to figure out WTF I was going to do with a sealed box of wrestling trading cards from 21 years ago. And then BAM! the idea struck me like a knife-edged chop to the chest.

So there you go. Now what?

Now, let’s look at the cards he sent me this time! There’s only three of them, but they’re not from the WCW series I’ve been covering. That’s right, we have new challengers!

Card Numero Uno:

What better example of the struggle of working as a professional wrestler, trying to make ends meet with his meager pay and mounting health care costs, than one who has to pull double duty as a garbage man?

The WWF was weird in the 1990s. Before Stone Cold Steve Austin started drinking beer and throwing middle fingers all over the place, the Fed was populated by a lot of dudes who apparently had to have secondary careers in addition to being wrestlers. You had Sparky Plugg, the wrestler who supposedly also drove stock cars; you had The Mountie, who was a Canadian Mounted Police officer that somehow was allowed to make extra cash beating up other dudes in the ring; you even had the Repo Man, who seemed to just be a plain ol’ kleptomaniac rather than a professional repossessor. It was like everybody that wasn’t already a big name had to have a gimmick beyond just being an awesome grappler or technician, and that gimmick had to be some shitty job.
That’s how you end up with a guy like Duke the Dumpster. Duke is a garbage man. He has the uniform and everything, and here he is pictured with garbage. Of course, I am confused about his name. Is he also a human garbage can? Does he consume garbage? I don’t know!

As you can guess, Duke the Dumpster was a huge success, and eventually became World Wrestling Federation Champion. Kids just couldn’t get enough of their favorite trash-collecting superstar, and he went on to bigger and better things, like films, multi-platinum albums and a mansion filled with fake-breasted bimbos who he pays $100/hr to wrestle in his living room.

No, wait, he’s a training a conditioning coach for a high school football team now. Well, at least that’s probably better for his health.

Card Numero Dos:

One of these guys is dead. The other now works for TNA, which is almost the same thing.

“Unexpected Turn of Events” might be the best way to describe getting a card with the late, great Eddie Guerrero on it.

If you’re unfamiliar with Eddie, check out some of his matches on youtube. Fantastic work.

This card is a from an ill-fated attempt by the WWE to cash in on collectible card games. How could such a thing not do well? I mean, what better way to partake in your favorite sports entertainment than by recreating it at your local comic shop, where you lose horribly to a 9 year old who calls you gay slurs while sipping his 2-liter bottle of Mountain Dew—

Wait, that sounds remarkably like playing WWE ’12 on XBox Live, except it’s in the form of a card game. Even better.

Eddie, your epic matches with Kurt Angle deserve better than this.

Card Numero Tres:

Actual cock-smoking

I give you… Big Van VaderI wish there were Vader cards in the set I’ve been posting. The guy is ridiculous. You can’t understand half the shit that comes out of his mouth, he usually works stiff (which means he doesn’t give a shit if he actually hurts anybody when he’s wrestling them), he wears a g-string on his face, AND he was part of a stable in New Japan Pro Wrestling that was managed by Takeshi “Beat Takeshi” Kitano (you know, the comedian, TV personality, filmmaker and creator of Takeshi’s Castle). The guy is a monster and he’s crazy. There’s just so much to work with when you have devoted your days to writing cheap, lousy jokes about wrestlers.

But honestly, let’s just look at the time he assaulted a TV host in Kuwait when asked if wrestling is fake. (That host later sued the WWF and Vader for the incident)

Nutso.

I honestly don’t know what Vader is doing on this card. I know what it looks like. It looks like he’s so crazy and unpredictable that smoke is actually coming out of his crotch and suffocating his opponent. But that’s the easy joke!

I’m not sure if he’s showing us his “OH” face or if he’s saying something rude about my mother. Knowing Vader, it could be both.

You know what? Fuck it, I’m going with the easy joke.

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