Two Packs a Day 5/16/12

Presenting my new daily thing that I will do just for the hell of it, Two Packs a Day! Every weekday, I will open two packs of WCW trading cards from 1991 and share my findings with you. I have nearly a whole box of these that I ordered off of Amazon (I started with a sealed box, but I’ve given away a few packs to friends), so this should be fun. Or it will be a total disaster. We’ll see.

2 packs! 24 cards! What treasures lie within???

Let’s look at today’s Top 5!

1. Best Photo

That’s Lex Luger applying his most famous move, the “Human Torture Rack” (often simply referred to as the Torture Rack), what we are made to believe is a devastating maneuver that puts all opponents in considerable pain. This move, if you were to hear Jim Ross or Tony Schiavone call it, can cripple the victim. And then you get a picture of Arn Anderson just plain maxin’ and relaxin’ while on the receiving end of the same move. Arn looks like he could curl up with a nice book and a cold margarita right about now.

2. Best Outfit

Oh, Ricky Morton. I don’t want to make fun of you, because you really don’t have a lot going for you, what with that haggard, busted face and fried hair. But man, did you dress yourself this morning? I ask because if you did, you need to stop and have somebody do it for you. It looks like you covered your lower half in glue and then rolled around on the floor at a Stryper concert. I bet you drive to each wrestling show in one of them fancy custom vans with eagles and wolves airbrushed on the sides.

See, now I just made myself jealous of you. Don’t you feel better?

3. Best WTF Bio

“If he weren’t a wrestler, it’s scary to think what Sid would be doing.” -Dennis Brent, Editor, “Wrestling Wrap-Up”

Okay, not so much a bio as a quote. If you’re not familiar with Sid Vicious, aka Sid Justice, aka Sycho Sid, aka Sid Eudy, then you might be thinking the same thing.

The answer? Apparently, playing softball.

4. Who???

Terry Taylor! The guy so charismatic, the WWF decided they needed to dress him up like some kind of half-man, half-rooster to get him over with fans, which totally worked!*

Taylor had a long career in wrestling, going back to 1980. He worked for both the WWF and WCW over the course of that career, along with several regional promotions. He never really amounted to much with either the WWF or WCW, and eventually took on a backstage role as trainer, agent, and writer and even did interviews and commentary.

According to this card, Taylor’s motto in regards ot his opponents is, “They enter the ring hopeful, but they leave Taylor-made.” I don’t know what the fuck that’s supposed to mean, honestly.

But hey, at least he was the Texas Heavyweight Champion at one point in his career, which probably means something if you’re one of those people that treats Texas like it’s the center of the universe. I guess it’s better than being the champion of Delaware, at least.

*It didn’t, but I’ll let you be the judge of that—> The Red Rooster cuts a promo

5. Best Use of Metaphors

I have read this thing more times than I can count while prepping for today’s entry, and like all things Scott Steiner, I am left more confused than when I started. So Rick is the bulldozer, and Scott is the demolition expert. Does that mean Scott rides around on Rick’s back, knocking guys over? How does this work? If Scott’s not driving the bulldozer, then who is???

I do really like the mental image of Scott just riding his brother, making machine sounds with his mouth and pulling imaginary levers. It’s quite cute, and makes me less terrified of the man.

And then I remember he only got the World Title in WCW because everybody in the company was genuinely afraid of him.

Bonus Award: Worst Use of Horses

Good lord, what the hell were they thinking with this picture? Despite all evidence to contrary, Missy Hyatt was not a completely unattractive person. But once in awhile you got a bad angle, and then you were asking when the camera crew had wandered into a horse stable. It’s not just the badness of this picture that’s killing me. Oh no, there’s more:

Thoroughbred Horses? Who at Impel did Missy piss off? That’s just mean. And to make matters worse, there are four (4) Missy Hyatt cards in the series, and all four have that photo on the back. OUCH.

But you know what? It could be worse. And it did get worse for Missy Hyatt. (Warning: scary-ass plastic surgery monster ahead!) At least she doesn’t look like a horse anymore, just the stuff of nightmares.

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